31 Things You Thought About During Sunday Mass But Won’t Admit

 

1.  Got to church on time…all settled in the pew before the opening hymn starts…kids all fully clothed and sitting still…can I get a plenary indulgence or something?

family at church

 

 

2.  Oh good, I secretly love this song.

gather us in

 

 

3.  Okay, whose here?  There are the Growskis…there are the Taylors…l00ks like the Kellys are late again.

people in church

 

 

4.  Wow, five whole minutes into Mass and the kids haven’t slammed the kneeler into my shins.  I wonder wha- OOOOWWW!!!  SON OF A…!!!

tree

 

 

5.  There’s Myrtle…I can’t believe her peppermint cookies won first place at the parish Holiday Fest.  My fruitcake was so much better.

myrtle

 

 

6.  Let’s recap the score.  Saint Paul: 8,371…my ability to comprehend: 0.

st. paul

 

 

7.  Oh good, time for another episode of “Who needs a diaper?”

smell

 

 

8.  Okay, this time I am definitely going to pay attention during the responsorial psalm.  Gosh, I wonder how many marshmallows could fit in this church…

marshmallows

 

 

9.  Look at that guy wearing the Packers jersey to Mass.  I guess we know what his priorities are.

jersey

 

 

10.  I wish Father would wrap up the homily already.  We’re going to miss the entire first quarter.

bears

 

 

11.  The Thompson kids are being much louder than our kids.  Sweet.

rumpus

 

 

12.  I think I finally have the new translation of the Creed memorized…here goes…good…good…good…dang!  How can I mess up something so easy?

missed high five

 

 

13.  Seriously, those cookies tasted like triscuits covered with toothpaste.

myrtle

 

 

14.  Here come the ushers for the collection.  Someday I would love to just put a big ham in the basket.

ham1

 

15.  Mmm…ham.

ham2

 

 

16.  Let’s see…so if a velociraptor suddenly burst through that door right there, the best escape would be to run for the sacristy, then…no, wait, sneak under the pews toward the back…no, wait…geez, I don’t think there’s anything more scary than a velociraptor.

velociraptor

 

 

17.  Maybe a great white shark.

Great White Shark Opening Mouth

 

 

18.  Am I the only one in the cry room who likes to pretend it’s a sky box?

sky box

 

 

19.  That guy just used his handkerchief.  He better not try to shake my hand at the Sign of Peace.

hanky

 

 

20.  For the last hour I’ve been fighting a losing battle against four runny noses with a tattered, soggy scrap of Kleenex.  I should be polite and decline to shake hands, but I’m not in the mood for awkward right now.  Sorry neighbor, germs be with you.

tissue

 

 

21.  And she smells like stale cats.

myrtle

 

 

22.  I can’t wait for the donuts outside after Mass.  I hope the holier-than-thou seven o’clock crowd left some for the rest of us.

donuts1

 

 

23.  I’m hungry enough for two donuts…too bad there won’t be any left for the noon crowd, but maybe they should stop being so lazy and go to an earlier Mass.

crumbs

 

24.  I can’t believe those people who leave right after Communion…they should stay for the end of Mass and the recessional hymn.

exit

 

 

25.  And the recessional hymn is…no!…”Lord of the Dance”?…Can I leave now before my ears throw up?

lord of the dance

 

 

26.  Upon further review…I’m ashamed of myself for getting so distracted during Mass…and giving people germs…and for being so uncharitable…and the thing with the ham.

awkward

 

 

27. Maybe next Sunday I should sit in the front row so I’m able to focus better.

front row

 

 

28.  And maybe I should come better prepared to deal with runny noses.

outbreak

 

 

29.  And maybe a light snack before Mass, so I don’t start thinking about food.

donut burger1

 

 

30.  And starting right now, I’ll give a nice big smile to the first person I run into after Mass.

laurel and hardy

 

 

31.  You gotta be kidding me…

myrtle

 

 

 

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Categories:Culture Family Humor Liturgy

64 thoughts on “31 Things You Thought About During Sunday Mass But Won’t Admit

  1. Tantum Ergo says:

    Egads, what a ghastly testimonial for the Novus Ordo Mass – proving it is nothing more than a complete joke to the faithful. Thank God for the True Mass. Maybe you should try to find one and improve your faith.

    1. Jonathon says:

      You should really lighten up…

      1. macky says:

        Jonathon…high five!

  2. Slats says:

    In response to the “OF problem” assertion (I am posting this here instead of replying to the post so that the reply doesn’t get buried and ignored): let’s look at it point by point:

    1) Both OF and EF (pre-Vatican II)
    2) Clearly OF (and Emily shouldn’t like that song, secretly or otherwise, if for no other reason than because the 4th verse’s words are lamentable, if not heretical)
    3) Roundly both OF and EF (in all periods)
    4) Roundly both OF and EF (in all periods)
    5) Roundly both OF and EF (in all periods)
    6) Both OF and EF (the EF features the epistles, usually re-read in the vernacular – btw, I don’t get this one – St. Paul isn’t that obscure)
    7) Roundly both OF and EF (in all periods)
    8) OF, but could apply to many parts of both the OF and EF
    9) OF
    10) Terminology aside, both OF and EF, in all periods since sports have been televised
    11) Roundly both OF and EF (in all periods)
    12) OF
    13)-18) Roundly both OF and EF (in all periods)
    19)-20) OF
    21)-23) Roundly both OF and EF (in all periods)
    24)-25) OF
    26)-28) Roundly both OF and EF (in all periods)
    29) As others have said, not appropriately applicable to either
    30)-31) Roundly both OF and EF (in all periods)

    So, basically speaking the score is, both OF and EF, 23; OF only, 7. Of course, I was referring to “EF” not just in terms of recent permissions, but in terms of the Tridentine, pre-conciliar Mass as Americans and others experienced it prior to Vatican II. I have a feeling that the person who posted the original comment is viewing the “EF” through the rose-colored glasses of the fact that 1) the EF is almost certainly done far more ideally now in those places where priests and people care enough to take the trouble to pull it off than it usually was prior to the Council, when it was just “the Mass” and was often approached lackadaisically, and moreover 2) that most of the people who go to the trouble of getting to an EF in recent years are either 1) far more dedicated to their lives of faith than typical OF-attending Catholics and would thus behave better externally and interiorly than their OF counterparts, or 2) mistakenly think that they are (i.e. undercutting their spiritual lives with elder son syndrome).

    1. Slats says:

      Whoops – John, not Emily, wrote this blog post. Sorry!

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