A History Lesson: Guess Who Wins?

In the last few weeks of HHS influenced dead-horse beating and extended discussions on Women’s Health™, I consistently find myself coming back to the idea that President Obama and his administration really think they can take on the Catholics and win.

They are obviously trying to win at all costs.

After all, at Notre Dame the President of the United States LIED about respecting conscience.  Then he LIED about accommodating us Catholics (last time I had an accommodation like that was when I had my prostate checked).

"Now just try to relax...you might feel some discomfort."

The Church has a pretty good track record of outlasting other empires.  So, I thought it would be particularly helpful to review some of the different powerful groups that the Church has bested.

Way back in 476 A.D., the Roman Empire bit the dust.

Although he looks impressive, where are his successors?

Romulus Augustus lost control and had to run away, but the Church was still going strong under Pope St. Simplicius.

No one really know much about him, except that he won.

The Mayan Empire lasted somewhere around 3,540 years.  They were powerful and strong.

Until the Catholics showed up.

Nobody even knows this guy's name.

In 1540, the Mayan Empire ended but the successor of Peter, Pope Paul III, was still going strong.

He also had 4 kids, proving that even a sinful pope can outlast a plain-old political empire.

100 years ago, the last Chinese Emperor, Alsin-Gioro Puyi, was overthrown and that was the end of the Chinese Empire.

In retrospect, the commie shirt was a probably a bad fashion choice.

But the Church kept on rocking under the leadership of Pope St. Pius X.

He always looked tough. I bet he could beat you up.

The Ottoman Empire was one of those go-to answers I always used in high school.

“Who won the battle of blah-blah-blah? – The Ottoman Empire”

It was also a good one to just drop into an essay to show that you really knew world history.  Plus you could also try and sneak in a furniture joke or drop a Dick Van Dyke reference.

Unfortunately for the Ottomans, their empire went bye-bye in 1922 under Sultan Mehmed VI.

Sorry, Sultan. Pack your knives and go.

Meanwhile, the line of Fishermen was still going strong under Pope Pius XI.

I’m sensing a trend here and though I’ve probably made my point, I’m having too much fun.

"The Chair? Oh, we've had that for years. Do you like it?"

Remember the Nazis?  They were pretty big back-in-the-day.  Hitler’s Third Reich seemed to be everywhere.

But of course it didn’t last.  They were done in 1945.

The man who forever changed the history of facial hair. Not even Michael Jordan could make the "toothbrush" mustache cool again.

But the Catholics?

Oh yeah, they were still going strong with Venerable Pope Pius XII.

The Catholic Church invented bling.

The Soviet Union was pretty big in its day.  They had a pretty intense run from 1917, but then hit a brick wall in 1991 when they were officially dissolved under Mikhail Gorbachev.

"Ok, fine. I quit. Catholics win."

Of course, who can blame them when you’re up against this guy:

Defeated Communism in his spare time.

Okay, so that’s probably enough examples.

But just so you know, Wikipedia says that 145 “empires” have gone out of existence in the time since the Catholic Church was founded.  So, we’ve seen a lot of power build up and fade away.

Someone once told me that the reason the political left cannot stand the Catholic Church is that they simply cannot fathom how on earth we still exist.  We were supposed to have collapsed decades ago.

To them, our continued existence is beyond belief.  How does this tired, stupid, outdated myth continue to persist and even grow?  It makes no sense.

So when President Obama and his minions try to take on the Church, I say:

We will outlast you.  We will crush you.  And if you try to oppress us, you will just increase our numbers.  You cannot destroy us.  We will still be here long after you and your government have perished from this earth.

So bring it, Mr. President.

We eat guys like you for breakfast.

I know who wins.

Pope #265

Patrick Thornton has a real job (sort of).  He is likely now on some type of homeland security watch list and may not be able to travel internationally.  This is fine because he wasn’t really planning on going anywhere anyway.  If you’re reading this, feel free to wave to the FBI through your webcam.  The views expressed here may or may not be his own.  It depends who’s asking.


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  • jessie beard

    Boy I like this! am shareing it for those in my family who need to see it.

  • John Jankowski

    I like the humor in your article ,,by the way I am a member of the Order of Alhambra which the church defeated the Moors way back in Spain to allow Catholic explorers and missionaries to conquer a New World ——- Congrats, Member of FATIMA CARAVAN #265 Washington D.C.

  • Leticia Velasquez

    Powerfully done, and so important to remember, this victory was promised by Our Lord Himself, when He said, “Thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my Church and the Gates of Hell will not prevail against it.”
    Now if we could only line up the entire Church on the winning side, the victory would be completely happy.

  • Linda C.

    Please pray for Obama’s conversion—the man is in more trouble than he knows.



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