CV EXCLUSIVE: Pope Francis to Celebrate Clown Mass


THE VATICAN, April 1 — EXCLUSIVE to Catholic Vote, sources in the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments have revealed that Pope Francis and Pope Emeritus Benedict will concelebrate a “clown Mass” this coming Easter Sunday. In a surprise move, Cardinal Burke has been tapped to serve as the archdeacon for this special pontifical high Mass.

Pierrot and Harlequin (Mardi Gras) by Paul Cezanne, 1888

Pierrot and Harlequin (Mardi Gras) by Paul Cezanne, 1888

Unknown to even his closest advisors and contrary to earlier press accounts which had mistakenly assumed that Pope Francis was ministering to his flock under cover of darkness, the Supreme Pontiff has secretly been collecting pieces of brightly-colored cloth and oversized shoes while on his nightly adventures in the slums of Rome.

A bishop on an ad limina visit who wishes to remain anonymous out of filial obligation to the Pope told Catholic Vote that Francis was wearing a large flower during their meeting and when the bishop bowed to kiss the petrine ring, the Pope suddenly squirted him in the face and squeezed an old-fashioned car horn hidden under his watered-silk cassock.

When the bishop stepped back in surprise, Pope Francis chuckled and started performing a mime routine depicting the day’s Gospel reading. When asked what this was all about, Pope Francis replied, “I’m not clowning around! This is practice for this coming Easter Sunday.”

As of press time, Catholic Vote could not obtain independent confirmation, but there are rumors floating around the Domus Sanctae Marthae that Pope Francis has enlisted the help of Cirque du Soleil to erect a big top circus tent in St. Peter’s Square to mark the occasion.

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Joshua Bowman joined in full communion with the Catholic Church in 2010 after many years in the spiritual wilderness. He recently moved back to his beloved native Virginia from Columbus, Ohio with his growing family and writes on religion, politics, history, and geographical curiosities.

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