Now that I have your attention…
I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who was mad as hell.
His name’s Ruben. He’s Jewish and lives on the north-side of Chicago.
He kind of looks like this:
Anyway, Ruben went to his favorite deli and ordered his usual, a corned beef sandwich and a potato pancake. Everything was fine until the guy at the counter said, “by the way, your potato pancake comes with a side of bacon. That’s why we had to raise the price.”
“Bacon? What? It never came with bacon before” responded Ruben.
“I don’t want bacon. I don’t eat bacon. I’m a Jew. You know that. What the hell?”
“Sorry, Ruben, everybody gets bacon. Barry says so,” said the sandwich guy.
“Screw Barry! I’m not paying for any damn bacon.” Ruben was getting really mad, “Tell Barry he can shove the bac-….nevermind….Look, just take the cost of the bacon off the bill. The order is $9.78. What’s the bacon cost anyway, $2?”
“Yeah, probably,” muttered the sandwich guy.
“Well, then take 2 bucks off ’cause I don’t want the bacon…and I’m not paying for it.”
“I really don’t…” started the sandwich guy.
“Just do it!” yelled Ruben.
“Okay, okay, relax…I’ll ask Barry.”
Ruben was really steamed. The line was getting long behind him. He was hungry and he was starting to sweat while standing there by the counter.
The clerk came back and Ruben pulled out his wallet to pay the bill.
“Okay, the total comes to $9.78,” said the clerk.
“WHAT ABOUT THE DAMNED BACON? TAKE THE BACON OFF MY BILL! I DON’T EAT BACON!” screamed Ruben.
“But sir, Barry said the bacon is free. It doesn’t cost you anything. So, you have to take the bacon.”
“%#&$ you!” said Ruben and left his favorite deli for the last time.
Patrick Thornton has a real job (sort of) and does not have a friend named Ruben. He does, however, like bacon very much. He realizes that this story might not be a good comparison to certain current events, but he doesn’t care. The views expressed here may or may not be his own. It depends who’s asking.