I do hope they exorcise the space before the next Mass.

WARNING: Talk of self-abusive sexual activity in this post.

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Allegheny College in Meadville, Pennsylvania, affiliated with the United Methodist Church, has a chapel. Mass is offered there weekly for the Catholic students.

Recently it was the site of a seminar titled, “I Heart the Female Orgasm.”

They were not talking about a loving, committed, married couple who has great sex with regularity. No, they’re talking about masturbation.

That self-abusive act that takes the “other” out of sex and makes it a loveless, passionless, solipsistic entertainment.

The Pennsylvania liberal arts college’s Ford Memorial Chapel was transformed into a “boudoir of sorts” on Wednesday as sex educators Marshall Miller and Kate Weinberg advised students how to best touch themselves and others to reach orgasm, The College Fix reports.

The college’s chaplain, meanwhile, defended the event’s location, characterizing it as “responsible.” A campus spokesperson said the event offered a “great message,” according to The College Fix.

A great message? Dear Lord, spare us. Masturbation turns one in on oneself, makes others nothing more than objects of fantasy and denies their real personhood, turns one’s own sexuality into an object of pleasure rather than a gift to give to a spouse, coarsens one in real relationships, rejects the unitive nature of sex, and becomes addictive.

If you are Catholic you reject masturbation as a grave offense against the gift of sexuality (CCC 2352), one of the greatest gifts given us by God, to enflesh the union of the spouses in Holy Matrimony and bring forth new life.

(The New Catholic Encyclopedia has a great article on the Church’s understanding of masturbation, the considerations of full consent of will, critiques of the Church’s position, and more, for those who are seeing red.)

Allegheny College’s website boasts (I am not making this up),

Allegheny is a unique place where students embrace the College’s total educational experience.  Our students have the uncanny ability to create unusual combinations of interests and talents.  These varied combinations enhance our students’ success here and ensure excellence in their future careers.

I’m not entirely certain where a self-abuse seminar fits into that unless they’re training porn stars.

But an important question at this point is whether the local Catholic pastor will allow Mass to happen in that chapel until an exorcism happens. This sort of seminar involves so much deception and evil influence that the space, not a truly sacred space to begin with, has been defiled.

Heck work it in before Mass begins, use the Latin rite, and if anyone asks just say it’s a variation on the opening of Mass—an extended and special Asperges.

And make sure you’ve got one of these:

St. Benedict Medal Cross

The St. Benedict Medal. It has an exorcism prayer right on it, in the initials "V R S N S M V - S M Q L I V B," which signify a Latin phrase that translates to: "Begone Satan! Never tempt me with your vanities! What you offer me is evil. Drink the poison yourself"

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54 thoughts on “I do hope they exorcise the space before the next Mass.

  1. Ken Johnson says:

    New format doesn’t seem to allow responding to a specific post

  2. Greg B. says:

    Next up: Tom’s recommendation for a toilet training book for toddlers titled “You’re a Naughty, Naughty Boy, And That’s Concentrated Evil Coming Out The Back Of You”.

    1. abadilla says:

      Shame on you for twisting Tom’s words!

    2. Tom Crowe says:

      Did you think of that one all by yourself?

      1. Greg B. says:

        Nope. It’s a line from Family Guy. But the joke is rooted in the very unfunny reality that those who adhere to strict Catholic teaching view the body and its natural functions as things about which we should feel ashamed.

        1. Tom Crowe says:

          We do? Wow. News to me. I’m curious: Have you ever heard of the Theology of the Body? If not, do yourself a favor and check it out. If you’re at all interested in being challenged on that ridiculous assertion I can recommend some resources. The beauty of the dignity of the body and its functions as described therein will blow. your. mind. (And I can’t say I’m surprised Family Guy would come up with a line like that. Do you get all of your philosophy and theology from crass pop TV shows? Or just your horribly inaccurate view of Catholicism?)

          1. Greg B. says:

            I get my view of Catholicism from my upbringing in the church – 10 years of CCD, 52 masses a year for 25 years. Tom, your post about the sin of mastirbation proves my point about Catholic view of the human body as shameful. It’s also another example of denying reality. Do you honestly expect young people to avoid orgasms until marriage? You want to stop people from learning about sex. masturbating, and using contraception then complain about the prevalence of abortion and out of wedlock births.

          2. Tom Crowe says:

            In other words, you prove my point: 10 years of CCD to check that box, the bare minimum box-checking Mass attendance until you couldn’t keep up the charade any longer. I’m glad you decided to end the charade, but I wish it had been because you learned more rather than rejected the little you had possibly learned. You keep ascribing things to me that I do not say, mean, or know. You assume certain things that simply aren’t true. And you seem to think I’m the one in the wrong here. Weird.

  3. Conniption Fitz says:

    Exorcise? The Russian Orthodox have burned and razed churches for less than this.

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