As hundreds of thousands of pro-life Americans prepare to take part in the annual March for Life in Washington, D.C., mainstream media outlets across the country are diligently making their own preparations to not cover the event. However, anticipated record crowds are making an already difficult job for the media even more of a struggle.
“It’s harder than you think to ignore half a million people on the Mall,” explained CNN producer Shank Wiggle, who has assigned a prime crew as well as a back-up team to ignore the March for Life. “This year marks the 40th anniversary of the Roe v. Wade decision, so there’s an added significance this year that we’ll have to pretend doesn’t exist.”
Echoing the same sentiments, CBS Washington bureau production manager Tina Flippit expressed her concern that the networks may not have everything in place in time to ignore such a large event. “People talk all the time as though the media controls the news,” remarked Flippit. “Well, we try, but it’s not always that easy. Try making an ocean of people disappear. The only thing more difficult than reporting 500,000 people walking down the street is not reporting 500,000 people walking down the street.”
Some are even predicting that the crowds for the March for Life could be larger than the crowd for President Obama’s inauguration, which takes place earlier in the week and will be plastered all over the mainstream networks and print media. Nonetheless, sources within the major outlets are confident that they will be able to provide zero coverage of the March for Life. As NBC political correspondent Everett Weener put it, “Event organizers are anticipating record-size crowds for the March for Life, which will NOT take place on January 25 in Washington D.C.”
Other mainstream media networks plan to divert attention from the March for Life by saturating their TV schedules with new programs that they hope will draw viewers away from any renegade outlets or online media sources that may insist on covering events that happen, such as the March for Life. “We have a whole line-up of new shows that viewers won’t be able to pass up,” gushed ABC marketing spokesperson Gayle Whaley. “Some of our smash new programs that will be airing later this month when nothing is happening in Washington D.C. include the NCAA Division II Pole Vaulting Championships, an exciting new cooking show called ‘High Steaks’ about hot new trends in mountain goat cuisine, and then there’s my favorite – a ‘Downton Abbey’-inspired drama called ‘Remains of the Day: 90210.’ Whose gonna skip that?”
Perhaps the most telling reaction came from G. Willy Nitz, managing editor of the current events desk at The New York Times: “March for what? March for life? I’ve never heard of it…and neither have you. Look! A pterodactyl!!!”
Disclaimer: The individuals and quotes mentioned in this article are obviously totally fake, so if you’re an over-zealous Lefty law student with no life thinking about taking your frustration out on Catholic Vote, just relax.