Kids Will Commit Gun Violence Anyway…Let’s Make Sure They Do It Safely


Assault weapon bans, background checks, magazine size limits…

Why don’t liberals just forget all this nonsense about gun control?  They’ve already come up with a guaranteed solution to the problem of gun violence in this country.  They just don’t seem to recognize it.

But if they ever do, get ready for a new program from the HHS, in conjunction with the Department of Education, establishing a mandatory new school curriculum for all American children.

The introduction to the textbook might look something like this:

Dear Student,

Welcome to “Ready, Aim, You Are Special.”

This new, exciting, government-mandated curriculum will help you practice safer gun violence.

We don’t want you to die.  But we also know that you are a unique person with your own value system and your own ways of expressing your emotional needs.

Especially in the precious teen years, when emotions are flowering and hormones are blossoming, the impulse to get angry and want to harm another person can be quite powerful.  Sometimes, when we find another person who we want to share this impulse with, we may find ourselves acting on this natural urge.

Practiced responsibly, gun violence can be a safe, enjoyable way to express your feelings with others.

That said, a complex and diverse element of our human sharingness is that there can sometimes be “consequences” that flow from our actions.  “Consequences” were invented through a joint venture of the Vatican and Halliburton during the Age of Intolerance (33 CE to 1969 CE).  Some of the consequences of unprotected gun violence can include low self-esteem, emotional scarring, physical impairments, and death.

“Ready, Aim, You Are Special” will empower you to practice safe, responsible gun violence without any of these intolerant and hateful consequences.  So unleash your urges.  Be diverse!  Be violent!

But be safe.

Effective immediately:

1. Compulsory “Safe Gun Violence” education in all public and private schools starting in first grade.

2. Any inclination in a child to abstain from gun violence, or to wait until a “proper” time to use a gun, will be discouraged, as this may foster a moralistic and restricting mentality that will inhibit self actualization and/or diversity.

3. Free bullet-proof vests and kevlar helmets to all school children.  These “preventive health care” products are to be made available in the school nurse’s office at all times.

4. Children shall receive instruction in putting on bullet-proof vests.  Ideally, the  instructor will wear a banana costume.

5. Students shall be educated on the different types of gunshot wounds that can result if they are not safe.  Photos can be helpful as an effective deterrent to unprotected gun violence.

6. Self-discovery in gun violence should be promoted by encouraging children to go home and try different ways to shoot themselves while wearing a bullet proof vest.

7.  Children should be taught to express their violent impulses verbally as well as physically as a means of getting themselves or their target-partner in the mood for gun violence, by learning such phrases as “Make my day,” “Hasta la vista,” and “You make me want to go full auto.”  This is all part of what we call “gunplay.”

8. Children should be encouraged to experiment with each other in less traditional types of gun violence, such as pistol whipping,  bayoneting, and strangling with the gun sling.

9.  Immediate and unlimited federal funding to “Safe Gun Violence” programs, including more funding, as well as allocations for additional funding, and automatic funding increases as needed, or whenever.

10. Additional funding will be mandated from the Amish.

Sound familiar?

Yeah, and it’s proven to work too.

The views expressed here are those of the author, and do not necessarily represent the views of


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John White lives in the Chicago area with his wife and seven children.

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