Stuff Catholic Dads Say



At Mass

“Look at Jesus on the altar … or you won’t get a donut.”

“Jesus was tired, too, and he still stood up straight  …. on the crosswith nails in his feet.

“Please don’t tickle your sister during the consecration.”

“What did the priest say today? I was in the back with the baby.”


At Rosary Time

“Please untie the cat and only use your rosary the way it was meant to be used.”

“You may sit, you may stand, or you may kneel. You may not writhe on the ground like a legless monkey.”

“How would you feel if Mary and Jesus mumble to you like that when you meet them in heaven?”

“Our Lady of Fatima didn’t say, ‘Pray the rosary every day unless you’re really tired.’ She just said pray the rosary every day.”


At Confession

“Don’t worry, the priest won’t get mad. Tell him everything … especially the thing with the ceiling fan and the airplane and my belt.”

“Here’s the Ten Commandments to examine your conscience. I circled the Fourth Commandment for you.”

“Everyone, cover your ears and whisper the words to Silent Night when your sister goes in there. She’s really loud.”

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been impatient with my children ….”


In a Large Family’s Kitchen* (*Understanding that not all Catholic families are large!)

“Shhh! Quiet. I don’t want the baby to know I’m up.”

“This is special food just for dads.”

“Put the ham back in the container and back away from the fridge. It’s Friday, buddy.”

“Keep the kids away from the kitchen. I want to make my sandwich without having to make seven other ones first.”


In Answer to, “Can I Watch This Movie?”

“Would you watch that if the Blessed Mother were sitting next to you?”

“Is John Wayne in it?”

“Why don’t you watch Rocky II? There’s a priest in it.”

“If you can’t think of what to watch, just watch The Scarlet and the Black.”


On Having Many Children* (*understanding that not all Catholics are so blessed)

“Sometimes I think our family is the poster family for Humane Vitae … and sometimes I feel like we’re the poster family for contraception.”

“If I wanted to shovel snow (or mow the lawn, or do the dishes, or do the laundry) I wouldn’t have had so many kids!”

“Of course I love you all the same. That’s why I use your names interchangeably.”

“Yes, all these tax credits are mine.”


Add your own in the comments …

The views expressed here are those of the author, and do not necessarily represent the views of


About Author

Tom Hoopes, author of What Pope Francis Really Said, is writer in residence at Benedictine College, in Atchison, Kansas, where he teaches in the Journalism and Mass Communications Department and edits The Gregorian, a Catholic identity speech digest. He was previously editor of the National Catholic Register for 10 years and with his wife, April, of Faith & Family magazine for five. A frequent contributor to Catholic publications, he began his career as a reporter in the Washington, D.C., area and as press secretary for U.S. House Ways & Means Chairman Bill Archer. He lives in Atchison with his wife and those of his nine children still at home. The views and opinions expressed on this blog do not necessarily reflect those of Benedictine College or the Gregorian Institute.

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