Do you have what it takes?
The following 10 questions aren’t hard, but they will test your knowledge of all things Catholic – from Church history to vital current issues that impact your practice of the Faith.
Okay fine, not really. These are just questions that occurred to me on Sunday during the homily. I mean, um, after Mass.
You may begin…now.
1. Did Darth Vader receive baptism of desire before he died?
c. He didn’t need to because he was baptized by Jesuit missionaries on Naboo when he was a baby.
d. We won’t know until we get to Heaven, which was recently rented by George Lucas for his daughter’s birthday party.
2. Were church architects in the 1950s and 1960s truly evil people or just confused and possibly high?
d. Evil and high, but not confused
3. If you are standing in the back of church at Sunday Mass with other parents-with-kids and you realize that you completely missed the consecration because you were too busy pretending that a catastrophic diaper incident didn’t just happen, do you have to go to Mass again to fulfill your obligation?
a. No, it was an unforeseen emergency.
b. Too bad, you should have foreseen that by now.
c. Yes, you have to go find the 2:00 p.m. Mass that’s fifty miles away in another language.
d. Uh…there’s something dripping onto your shoes.
4. What is the best name for a Christian heavy metal band?
a. Widows of Nain
b. Centurions of the Apocalypse
c. Cry of Dismas
d. None of the above – Christian rock is awful and cries out to Heaven for vengeance.
5. What’s the deal with people holding hands during the Our Father?
a. Honestly, nobody knows how that started.
b. Who cares, it seems like it’s going away.
c. Hey, don’t be so mean-spirited – it’s a legitimate practice in certain circumstances, such as never.
d. No seriously, why would I want to hold hands with you?
6. If you missed out on June 7 being a Meat Friday because Pat “Archbishop LeGrille” Thornton was negligent and failed to post about it, can you eat meat on a subsequent Friday to make up for it?
a. Nice try, no.
b. Yes – but only at Chick-fil-A.
c. No – it’s your fault for not having all Meat Fridays highlighted on your calendar.
d. Yes – but it must be prepared outdoors according to the norms set forth in Grillitatis Splendor.
7. What the hell?
a. Correct, although we don’t know for certain if anyone has actually gone there.
b. This question is inappropriate and offensive to me.
c. I don’t like that Pope Francis talks about hell and the devil. As a liberal Catholic I had the completely nonsensical, yet giddy hope that he would change Church teaching to suit my liking. Who started that rumor anyway?
d. Someone over at Commonweal, I think.
8. What is the holiest place in sports?
a. Notre Dame Stadium
b. Wrigley Field
c. Amen Corner
d. Mike Ditka’s hair
9. Who would win in a fight?
a. Scott Hahn
c. Pa Ingalls
10. I want to break up with my boyfriend but I’m worried things will be totally awkward because I’m currently his RCIA sponsor. What should I do? Submitted by Sally from Boulder, CO.
a. Hi Sally. Thanks, but this is a fake Catholic quiz, not a fake Catholic advice column.
b. Totally break up with him. He’s a loser.
c. Wait until he’s done converting, then break up with him to avoid the awkwardness, which would otherwise be insanely uncomfortable to a degree I can’t even imagine. Way worse than actually breaking up though.
d. Stay with him, but think of creative ways to test whether he is converting for God or just for you, then use that dynamic to manipulate him into becoming someone you don’t want to break up with anymore.
That’s all folks! The answers will be posted next week.