1. Got to church on time…all settled in the pew before the opening hymn starts…kids all fully clothed and sitting still…can I get a plenary indulgence or something?
2. Oh good, I secretly love this song.
3. Okay, whose here? There are the Growskis…there are the Taylors…l00ks like the Kellys are late again.
4. Wow, five whole minutes into Mass and the kids haven’t slammed the kneeler into my shins. I wonder wha- OOOOWWW!!! SON OF A…!!!
5. There’s Myrtle…I can’t believe her peppermint cookies won first place at the parish Holiday Fest. My fruitcake was so much better.
6. Let’s recap the score. Saint Paul: 8,371…my ability to comprehend: 0.
7. Oh good, time for another episode of “Who needs a diaper?”
8. Okay, this time I am definitely going to pay attention during the responsorial psalm. Gosh, I wonder how many marshmallows could fit in this church…
9. Look at that guy wearing the Packers jersey to Mass. I guess we know what his priorities are.
10. I wish Father would wrap up the homily already. We’re going to miss the entire first quarter.
11. The Thompson kids are being much louder than our kids. Sweet.
12. I think I finally have the new translation of the Creed memorized…here goes…good…good…good…dang! How can I mess up something so easy?
13. Seriously, those cookies tasted like triscuits covered with toothpaste.
14. Here come the ushers for the collection. Someday I would love to just put a big ham in the basket.
16. Let’s see…so if a velociraptor suddenly burst through that door right there, the best escape would be to run for the sacristy, then…no, wait, sneak under the pews toward the back…no, wait…geez, I don’t think there’s anything more scary than a velociraptor.
17. Maybe a great white shark.
18. Am I the only one in the cry room who likes to pretend it’s a sky box?
19. That guy just used his handkerchief. He better not try to shake my hand at the Sign of Peace.
20. For the last hour I’ve been fighting a losing battle against four runny noses with a tattered, soggy scrap of Kleenex. I should be polite and decline to shake hands, but I’m not in the mood for awkward right now. Sorry neighbor, germs be with you.
21. And she smells like stale cats.
22. I can’t wait for the donuts outside after Mass. I hope the holier-than-thou seven o’clock crowd left some for the rest of us.
23. I’m hungry enough for two donuts…too bad there won’t be any left for the noon crowd, but maybe they should stop being so lazy and go to an earlier Mass.
24. I can’t believe those people who leave right after Communion…they should stay for the end of Mass and the recessional hymn.
25. And the recessional hymn is…no!…”Lord of the Dance”?…Can I leave now before my ears throw up?
26. Upon further review…I’m ashamed of myself for getting so distracted during Mass…and giving people germs…and for being so uncharitable…and the thing with the ham.
27. Maybe next Sunday I should sit in the front row so I’m able to focus better.
28. And maybe I should come better prepared to deal with runny noses.
29. And maybe a light snack before Mass, so I don’t start thinking about food.
30. And starting right now, I’ll give a nice big smile to the first person I run into after Mass.
31. You gotta be kidding me…