WASHINGTON, April 1 — In an unprecedented surprise announcement breaching longstanding protocols of secrecy, a source close to Justice Kennedy revealed to CatholicVote that Obergefell v. Hodges will be decided by a unanimous 5-0 margin with four abstentions. The source told your humble columnist that in the opinion for the Court, Kennedy will speak passionately of the need for judicial intervention even in states where same-sex marriage is already recognized to ensure equal access to scrumptious sweets and delectable desserts for all. As a consequence of the far-reaching decision, the constitutions of all 50 states will be rendered entirely null and void because they fail to provide adequate provisions to protect the rights of same-sex couples from, as Justice Kennedy wrote in an early draft, “all forms of embarrassment, disappointment, misfortune, or inconvenience whatsoever.”
At one point, the confidential source broke into tears while describing the plight of a gay couple who had their feelings hurt when they were unable to purchase a cake with purple frosting at the local grocery store:
“The attendant at the bakery counter offered the couple similar cakes with tastefully decorated pink, yellow, and blue icing, but the Fourteenth Amendment is clear on this point. Separate but equal confections are unconstitutional. In the original transcripts of the Congressional debate, the framers of the amendment cited exactly this scenario as a specific example of the type of grave injustice which, after so many long years of brutal civil war, was as fresh in their minds as a delicious piping hot pastry right out of the oven and which the law was explicitly devised to remedy. The failure to anticipate that a same-sex couple might have wanted to purchase a decadent triple-fudge layer cake encased in white fondant and decorated with purple buttercream rosettes on any given day is a textbook violation of due process rights by even the most permissive of standards. Even first year law students know that!”
In the landmark decision, the Supreme Court will provide guidance to the states as they are forced to rewrite their constitutions in response to the ruling. Surprisingly, the protections which must be afforded to same-sex couples extend far beyond the color of cake frosting, but also must include the songs which are allowed to be played on the radio, the timing of stock market crashes, the average daily rainfall, and any other man-made or natural phenomenon which, “might conceivably provoke the slightest annoyance for any member of the LGBTTQQFAGPBDSM community.” However, the question of whether to completely overturn the First Amendment remains a matter of unsettled law to be taken up in the next session.
CatholicVote attempted to reach the abstaining Justices for comment on the decision, but it is rumored that they have gone into voluntary exile before the decision is officially announced. A clerk for (former?) Justice Alito was seen furtively exiting the Supreme Court late last night, but as this reporter approached her to ask about the whereabouts of the conservative jurists, she quickly got into her car and sped away. At the other end of Pennsylvania Avenue, a spokesman for President Obama went on the record as saying, “This is exactly the kind of common sense reform that the American people have been asking for. I’m glad that by coming together under unchecked rule by judicial activists, we have finally put our nation’s dark history of inadequate varieties and selections of appetizing baked goods behind us.”