Democrats are beside themselves over the avalanche of ‘real news’ stories in the last six weeks.
It all started at about 8:30 p.m. on November 8, when certain media outlets began spreading ‘real news’ stories about Hillary Clinton. Specifically, that she was toast.
“It was horrible,” recalls Caitlyn Pitterpatt, a young volunteer for the Hillary campaign who spent election night in the Javits Center, at times literally shaking, but mostly crying. “First was the real news out of Florida. And then to make matters worse, real news stories started showing up about Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania. And now that the campaign is almost over I’m even hearing real news about having to get a real life and a real job. Real news is hateful and violates my rights. I demand a safe space, away from real news.”
Some on the Left have even speculated that real news was a problem before the election, and may have even influenced the way some people voted. “There’s solid evidence that ‘real news’ may have unfairly swayed people against Hillary,” says DNC staffer Gail Whaley. “People have been exposed to twenty-five years of ‘real news’ about one of the most unlikeable people in American political history, along with a constant stream of real news stories on her corruption, dishonesty, and raw political ambition, not to mention real news video clips of her passing out and pitching head first into the gutter less than two months before the election. This was all real, and it’s just unacceptable that it would affect someone’s vote. We need to launch an investigation into the ‘real news’ problem before it gets out of control.”
Less disputed is the fact that ‘real news’ stories have continued to directly influence what Americans believe, even weeks after the election.
“It’s shocking,” says Dr. Todd Spicemeister, Professor of Che Guevara Studies at U.C. Berkeley. “You get these ‘real news’ stories being spread around the internet, and pretty soon everyone is going around saying that Trump won the election. Which he did, of course, but that’s the point. Is ‘real news’ really real? Yes – which is why it should be banned.”