Top Ten Signs You Might Not Be a “Papabile”



1.   You ask for an absentee ballot because you don’t want to miss Downton Abbey.


2.   Before leaving for Rome, you tell your diocesan chancellor, “The next time you see me, I might be Theolicious the First.”


3.   When the cardinals are discussing the current needs of the Church, you raise your hand and say, “I think Vatican City could really use a Panda Express.”




4.   You show up for the first ballot wearing sweat pants, then look around and say, “What?  It’s not like anyone can see us now.  Want some Cheez-Its?”


5.   Someone actually votes for you, but when your name is read out loud all the cardinals burst out laughing.


6.   You keep looking up at the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and saying, “You know, they should put some sky lights up there.”


7.   You casually mention to several other cardinals that you can bench 220.




8.   You doze off in your seat, and when the cardinal next to you gives you a nudge, you snap upright and scream “Don’t take Rosie to the circus!”


9.   You suddenly realize you’ve spent the last ten minutes trying to figure out how small the Millennium Falcon would be if the bald head of the cardinal in front of you was the Death Star.


10.   During the long silence when the votes are being counted, you stand up, spread your arms and shout “Accepto!”


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John White lives in the Chicago area with his wife and seven children.

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