The Washington Monument was torn down over the Memorial Day weekend by a group of college students and community activists after they learned that the first president was once a slave owner.
“This is about forcing change and raising awareness about white people,” said Britney Whitney, a Georgetown sophomore who took part in the demolition. “Every time I see this monument I feel threatened. Not because I’m black (I’m not) but because my professors taught me to find something in my surroundings to feel threatened by, and this huge spikey thing seemed just right.”
Several university faculty members were also present to lend a hand to the destruction. “Washington was a hateful bigot and probably the worst president ever,” said Dr. Terry Shuttlecock, professor of Cultural Integration and Appropriation Studies, also at Georgetown. “I mean, the worst until Trump. Well, Trump doesn’t own slaves, so maybe not. Wait, what am I saying? Trump is definitely the worst president since Hitler. Wait, no, that’s not right either. Now I’m confused. Trump can just go to hell. Love wins.”
More than a few of the assembled dissemblers identified as professional rioters. One of these individuals, who wore a mask and refused to give his name, was nonetheless candid about his reasons for being there. “Yep, I was at Berkeley too. I’m just here because George Soros said he’d give me ten bucks and a Chipotle coupon if I showed up. Plus, according to some of the smart college people here, rioting and destroying stuff is a legit form of self-expression. I have no idea what I’m trying to express, but heck yeah. I frickin’ love Chipotle.”
Libby McTibbs, a Democratic Party operative, took a break from flailing at the giant obelisk with a crowbar to share her thoughts. “Look, the problem isn’t that George Washington owned slaves. As an enlightened progressive, I have no problem with people who are complete racists, as long as they are Democrats. Like Robert Byrd – great guy. And that’s why we have no problem with Thomas Jefferson. Did he own slaves? Sure, but he was a Democrat. George Washington wasn’t, so too bad for him.”
Yes, too bad. It was a nice monument.
Below is a photograph showing the Washington Monument being destroyed. Sorry about the black and white. Wait, no. I don’t mean I’m sorry because it’s black…or because it’s white. I don’t even notice color. Black or white, makes no difference to me. What’s that? We’re supposed to notice color now? Oh, then I definitely see black and white. It is so black and white, in all its blackness and whiteness. Is that right? No?
Maybe I’ll just go check my privilege.