Washington Monument gets torn down, cuz he owned slaves.

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The Washington Monument was torn down over the Memorial Day weekend by a group of college students and community activists after they learned that the first president was once a slave owner.

“This is about forcing change and raising awareness about white people,” said Britney Whitney, a Georgetown sophomore who took part in the demolition.  “Every time I see this monument I feel threatened.  Not because I’m black (I’m not) but because my professors taught me to find something in my surroundings to feel threatened by, and this huge spikey thing seemed just right.”

Several university faculty members were also present to lend a hand to the destruction.  “Washington was a hateful bigot and probably the worst president ever,” said Dr. Terry Shuttlecock, professor of Cultural Integration and Appropriation Studies, also at Georgetown.  “I mean, the worst until Trump.  Well, Trump doesn’t own slaves, so maybe not.  Wait, what am I saying?  Trump is definitely the worst president since Hitler.  Wait, no, that’s not right either.  Now I’m confused.  Trump can just go to hell.  Love wins.”

More than a few of the assembled dissemblers identified as professional rioters.  One of these individuals, who wore a mask and refused to give his name, was nonetheless candid about his reasons for being there.  “Yep, I was at Berkeley too.  I’m just here because George Soros said he’d give me ten bucks and a Chipotle coupon if I showed up.  Plus, according to some of the smart college people here, rioting and destroying stuff is a legit form of self-expression.  I have no idea what I’m trying to express, but heck yeah.  I frickin’ love Chipotle.”

Libby McTibbs, a Democratic Party operative, took a break from flailing at the giant obelisk with a crowbar to share her thoughts.  “Look, the problem isn’t that George Washington owned slaves.  As an enlightened progressive, I have no problem with people who are complete racists, as long as they are Democrats.  Like Robert Byrd – great guy.  And that’s why we have no problem with Thomas Jefferson.  Did he own slaves?  Sure, but he was a Democrat.  George Washington wasn’t, so too bad for him.”

Yes, too bad.  It was a nice monument.

Below is a photograph showing the Washington Monument being destroyed.  Sorry about the black and white.  Wait, no.  I don’t mean I’m sorry because it’s black…or because it’s white.  I don’t even notice color.  Black or white, makes no difference to me.  What’s that?  We’re supposed to notice color now?  Oh, then I definitely see black and white.  It is so black and white, in all its blackness and whiteness.  Is that right?  No?

Maybe I’ll just go check my privilege.

The views expressed here are those of the author, and do not necessarily represent the views of CatholicVote.org

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John White lives in the Chicago area with his wife and seven children.

7 Comments

  1. As a liberal, I’m not even offended by this because it’s honestly so dumb. Did Steve Doocy secretly write this? This is why conservatives don’t do comedy. This piece reads like a Tea Party Mad-Libs, filling in the blanks with every rightwing grievance you could think of, and what “low-information voters” think that liberals sound like.

    Seriously, how many forced grievances can we find here? Tearing down monuments because of slavery, college students, community activists, “forcing change,” liberal activism is all about white people, Georgetown, liberals are too sensitive, liberal activism is all about white people (again), brainwashing professors, liberals are just looking for things to feel threatened by, liberal college students are dumb, university faculty members, liberals who hate George Washington, “cultural integration,” liberal faculty members are also dumb, liberals are hypocrites because they like love and don’t like Trump, protests against things conservatives like aren’t real because those protestors are paid, black bloc rioters, Berkeley, George Soros, protestors are dumb, protestors are bought off with Chipotle, protests are just an excuse for destruction, protestors just want Chipotle (again), “Democratic Party operative[s]” with crowbars, progressives are self-righteous, progressives are hypocrites especially regarding racism, Robert Byrd, political correctness, not being racist, white privilege.

    Wow! Wait, no reference to transgender bathroom bills? Women who use birth control? A gay couple getting married? I guess those are too close for comfort, huh?

    Be careful, John. I hear CatholicVote has a harsh policy regarding trolling 🙂 I would hate to miss any of these clever posts. Between you and me, John, this might play well with the “lead paint” crowd on “Fox and Friends,” but if you really want to take your trolling to the next level, you’ve got a long way to go.

  2. Republicans, of whom the author presumably is one, say that while they want Confederacy memorials and statues to remain, in no way is their position driven by racial animus.

    As the author clearly points out, Republicans are being so hypocritical. It’s hypocritical for people who currently vote for Democratic politicians to support the removal of symbols of the Confederacy and other monuments symbolizing the era of slavery in the US because, in the past, an overwhelmingly White state – West Virginia, 94% White – voted a racist Democrat to the Senate, who is now dead and thus no longer in the Senate.

    Of course, we should apply the same standard to Republicans who want to keep these monuments up.  After all, people who live in the overwhelmingly majority White state of South Carolina continually voted a racist Republican to the Senate, Strom Thurmond.

    Let me guess – your standards don’t apply to you.

    • I would add that the distinction with Robert Byrd (which conservatives conveniently ignore) is that he later apologized for his racism, spent the final years of his life trying to atone for those sins, and was described by the NAACP as someone who “became a champion for civil rights and liberties.” See, he can change. What’s stopping Republicans? And if you do that, sure, you can have a home in the Democratic Party.

      Furthermore, these worn out talking points are emblematic of conservatives constantly needing to distort history to paint themselves in a better light. They have so few civil rights heroes on their side, they need to tear down anyone on the left they can while pretending that Lincoln and MLK would feel right at home in today’s Republican Party.

      • And yet the Republican Party ended slavery, passed the 13th, 14th, & 15th Amendments, and the Civil Rights Act of 1866, while the Democratic Party gave us the Klu Klux Klan, Jim Crow Laws, and Poll Taxes/Literacy Tests! Makes you wonder….

  3. Liberals, Leftists, Progressives, Communists…whatever they call themselves…are insane. They gave lost their political, historical, and moral bearings from sheer ignorance, They are poorly educated (?), have no religious convictions (except anti-religion), and are incapable of working. These misfits fortunately are in the minority, but they are still a threat to our Federalist form of government. They can look at a hundred and fifty years of socialist failures and still promote the ideology. That is one of the definitions of insanity.

    • Yeah that socialist program called the GI bill was such a waste. Let Veteran’s fend for themselves, just like we expect 9/11 first responders to.

  4. Larry, now there’s a thoughtful, educated response! 😉 You sure are showing your superiority when it comes to morality (if not grammar), with your insults and generalizations. Although it may be comforting living in a world where you just make up your own facts, doesn’t it get exhausting being unable to cope with reality?

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